Several of my friends here warned me of what I shall call the "6 month slump" - that time when you've been here just long enough that the constant weight of day to day isolation driven by cultural divide seems unbearably heavy and you ache to go back home where things make sense. You want to throw in the towel, call your mom crying and give up no matter what the consequences. You feel a sense of homesickness akin to summer camp at age 8 but even worse because you made this decision on your own as a capable adult and you can't back out because you will then be a failure in your own mind and thus worse off than if you'd slogged through whatever it is that's coming. What will I do next month, next year, if I don't finish this today? I'll be calling myself a quitter, and that's not who I am. I'll just go on because what else is there to do? But then you find yourself sitting in your apartment in the evening after a day of listening to constant incomprehensible Japanese chatter looking around going "what now?" and wondering if anyone else can relate to this feeling of complete isolation and anxiety despite a thriving social life and busy schedule.
The answer came as a huge relief when I shared my thoughts with a few close friends here: Yes, they can. It seems newbies and old-timers to Japan alike can relate to this feeling and a few of my friends assured me that while during the 6 month slump it's often a persistent feeling, eventually it doesn't happen as often and maybe you just get better at coping with it. In any case, this too shall pass...
This past week was a bit of a turning point at work- I felt truly engaged and invested in a way I haven't since I arrived. I'm still figuring out why but I think maybe it's because my team here in Tokyo and abroad has shifted from seeing me as an adviser to seeing me as truly accountable and as someone who can influence. I continue to get involved in more and more within my team and outside of it, which means I am influencing more and making a larger impact. I am learning so much about what I truly value in the workplace and have realized that without accountability for a major challenge I'm not engaged, and when I'm not engaged I'm bored and spiral into negativity. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in the fast paced world of California biotech anymore, that this is a conservative place where the wheels of progress turn more slowly. I'm getting better and better at remembering that and re-setting my expectations for myself and those around me. I'll stop cracking on about this lest I start sounding like a self help book about finding your passion at work :)
As I eluded to in the opening lines of this post, I am feeling very much like myself again and if there's one thing I've learned other than just how off I can feel, it's that I will no longer ever take for granted those times when I feel like I'm stuck in equilibrium, when life passes a day or a week at a time without anything appreciable happening to the good or bad. Sometimes floating in the space of your routine and just letting things "be" is better than anything else.
So now, what have I been up to since my last post in September? Highlights include a trip to South Korea for 6 nights with my good friend Taeko to visit Busan and Jeju island, followed by a 6 night trip to SF primarily to attend the wedding of my lovely friend Sophie but also to catch up with all my Bay Area peeps. On my trip to South Korea, I learned just how different Japan is from the rest of Asia when I found myself saying "Wow, I feel so much more normal here!" even though I was in a country where I still stood out like a sore thumb and still couldn't read any of the signs and menus. In South Korea there were people expressing their individuality by kissing on the street, honking their horns, and even fighting in the street- displays that would make a resident of Japan think the apocalypse might be near. (OK, I exaggerate slightly, but you get my point) I was even approached on the beach one morning by a gaggle of teenage Korean girls from an English language high school who giggled their way through asking me if I would be willing to take a quiz on India and then snap a photo with them. I was more than happy to chat with them and when they found out I was American, they were really surprised I correctly answered their "which of these things just doesn't belong here" quiz question. (The choices were Taj Mahal, Spaghetti, or Curry- hmmmm....!!)
On my trip to the bay area I learned the importance of community. I was overwhelmed by how much it meant to me to spend the weekend in Tahoe with my ski friends, visit a friend and play with her adorable 19-month old twins, have dinner with my Stanford swim team buddies, or just sit and catch up over a meal with a close friend I haven't seen in a while. I spent years building my community without ever realizing over the past 6 years how much it means to me. I think I cried almost every day on that trip- on one or two occasions just due to the stress of jet-lag induced extreme sleep deprivation combined with some arbitrary trigger which would normally not register at all, but a few times out of gratitude for the community of people I have in my life.
The last 4 weeks since returning from the bay area were what I will optimistically call the heart of the slump- I was throwing myself into any and all activities I possibly could in order to stay busy and distracted. As is the case each and every time I've done that in my life, I came down with a horrible cold and have spent the past week drugged up on sudafed and going to bed earlier than I've managed since I set foot in Japan. The good news is I'm on the upswing physically and feeling like a whole new woman mentally- bring it on Japan!
And now for the usual smattering of photos, this post featuring my trip to South Korea with Taeko :)
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| Picture taken and posted especially for Ross and Alicia ;) |
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| Mt Hallasan! |
