The Six Month Slump

By now if you've been reading this blog from the beginning you know I'm nothing if not real about this whole experience, so I'm just going to come right out and say that I haven't posted anything in quite a while because I haven't been myself and was afraid to publicly post anything until I felt at home in my own skin again and had some perspective back.

Several of my friends here warned me of what I shall call the "6 month slump" - that time when you've been here just long enough that the constant weight of day to day isolation driven by cultural divide seems unbearably heavy and you ache to go back home where things make sense. You want to throw in the towel, call your mom crying and give up no matter what the consequences. You feel a sense of homesickness akin to summer camp at age 8 but even worse because you made this decision on your own as a capable adult and you can't back out because you will then be a failure in your own mind and thus worse off than if you'd slogged through whatever it is that's coming. What will I do next month, next year, if I don't finish this today? I'll be calling myself a quitter, and that's not who I am. I'll just go on because what else is there to do? But then you find yourself sitting in your apartment in the evening after a day of listening to constant incomprehensible Japanese chatter looking around going "what now?" and wondering if anyone else can relate to this feeling of complete isolation and anxiety despite a thriving social life and busy schedule.

The answer came as a huge relief when I shared my thoughts with a few close friends here: Yes, they can. It seems newbies and old-timers to Japan alike can relate to this feeling and a few of my friends assured me that while during the 6 month slump it's often a persistent feeling, eventually it doesn't happen as often and maybe you just get better at coping with it. In any case, this too shall pass...

This past week was a bit of a turning point at work- I felt truly engaged and invested in a way I haven't since I arrived. I'm still figuring out why but I think maybe it's because my team here in Tokyo and abroad has shifted from seeing me as an adviser to seeing me as truly accountable and as someone who can influence. I continue to get involved in more and more within my team and outside of it, which means I am influencing more and making a larger impact. I am learning so much about what I truly value in the workplace and have realized that without accountability for a major challenge I'm not engaged, and when I'm not engaged I'm bored and spiral into negativity. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in the fast paced world of California biotech anymore, that this is a conservative place where the wheels of progress turn more slowly. I'm getting better and better at remembering that and re-setting my expectations for myself and those around me. I'll stop cracking on about this lest I start sounding like a self help book about finding your passion at work :)

As I eluded to in the opening lines of this post, I am feeling very much like myself again and if there's one thing I've learned other than just how off I can feel, it's that I will no longer ever take for granted those times when I feel like I'm stuck in equilibrium, when life passes a day or a week at a time without anything appreciable happening to the good or bad. Sometimes floating in the space of your routine and just letting things "be" is better than anything else.

So now, what have I been up to since my last post in September? Highlights include a trip to South Korea for 6 nights with my good friend Taeko to visit Busan and Jeju island, followed by a 6 night trip to SF primarily to attend the wedding of my lovely friend Sophie but also to catch up with all my Bay Area peeps. On my trip to South Korea, I learned just how different Japan is from the rest of Asia when I found myself saying "Wow, I feel so much more normal here!" even though I was in a country where I still stood out like a sore thumb and still couldn't read any of the signs and menus. In South Korea there were people expressing their individuality by kissing on the street, honking their horns, and even fighting in the street- displays that would make a resident of Japan think the apocalypse might be near. (OK, I exaggerate slightly, but you get my point) I was even approached on the beach one morning by a gaggle of teenage Korean girls from an English language high school who giggled their way through asking me if I would be willing to take a quiz on India and then snap a photo with them. I was more than happy to chat with them and when they found out I was American, they were really surprised I correctly answered their "which of these things just doesn't belong here" quiz question. (The choices were Taj Mahal, Spaghetti, or Curry- hmmmm....!!)

On my trip to the bay area I learned the importance of community. I was overwhelmed by how much it meant to me to spend the weekend in Tahoe with my ski friends, visit a friend and play with her adorable 19-month old twins, have dinner with my Stanford swim team buddies, or just sit and catch up over a meal with a close friend I haven't seen in a while. I spent years building my community without ever realizing over the past 6 years how much it means to me. I think I cried almost every day on that trip- on one or two occasions just due to the stress of jet-lag induced extreme sleep deprivation combined with some arbitrary trigger which would normally not register at all, but a few times out of gratitude for the community of people I have in my life.

The last 4 weeks since returning from the bay area were what I will optimistically call the heart of the slump- I was throwing myself into any and all activities I possibly could in order to stay busy and distracted. As is the case each and every time I've done that in my life, I came down with a horrible cold and have spent the past week drugged up on sudafed and going to bed earlier than I've managed since I set foot in Japan. The good news is I'm on the upswing physically and feeling like a whole new woman mentally- bring it on Japan!

And now for the usual smattering of photos, this post featuring my trip to South Korea with Taeko :)

Picture taken and posted especially for Ross and Alicia ;)

Mt Hallasan!

Weekly Post - Week 4

Well, I'm falling further and further behind in my weekly posting quest. Those of you who are paying close attention (all those waiting with bated breath for my next post...which likely include only my mom and Aunt Cindi) will notice that the first two weeks I managed a Sunday evening post, then it was a Monday evening post, and here we are at week 4 on Tuesday! As my best friend Sarah always says, at least I'm self-aware because that's half the battle.

Anyway, last week was a bit slower at work than usual, except for the fact that I spent Tuesday night running laps around the palace with my work mates Tom and Matthew and then staying out way too late on a school night drinking nama at a cheap but highly entertaining izakaya. I had the most intense bite of wasabi roll ever and literally choked, spit out some of my rice into my napkin (well, there really aren't many napkins in Japan which is lamentable so it was actually my hand washcloth but I digress) and contemplated asking for a glass of milk. Cool and classy, yea! The table consisted of all Japanese colleagues with English abilities ranging from rather competent to zero, and I have to thank Matthew for saving me several times from having no clue what was going on. I continue studying in hopes someday I'll manage a real conversation in broken 5-year old's Japanese.

The thing is though, when you're living in a foreign country and on the Japanese listening plan 8 hours a day in an office environment, you become strangely accustomed to having no clue what's going on around you. I feel like I'm in a bubble- on the train, complete silence, some with their eyes closed, some buried in their device or reading a book with a cover on it in and turning pages I can see but not read, absorbed in their own world. I've created a world of my own for my commute actually- it consists of a playlist and a never ending stream of flash cards. I still sometimes amuse myself by Making Eye Contact with people on the train or playing Find A Foreigner (I usually lose at both games) but most of the time I've adapted the Japanese practice of morning isolation.

In thinking about what to write tonight, I decided to post every picture I took or that otherwise ended up on my phone this week (I'm terrible at picture taking, so it's not that many) no matter how mundane, and tell you about it. It sounds more boring that it will be, I promise, so read on :)

My friend Ellen was looking at flights to come visit me in February. Air Canada reviews were pretty awful though! She's jetted off to Portugal and Spain for the next 3 weeks but I feel a booking coming on as soon as she's back :)

No, I didn't run away to Japan to have a secret baby- this is my dear friend Jenny's beautiful boy, born this week. His name is Owen, and I can't wait to meet him!

Was going through some old pics and stumbled across this one circa 1990 of me and one of my childhood friends Emily, feeding a goat at some local farm on a school field trip. I love the hair and the camera she's holding. (I'm in the pink jacket)

My baby brother turned 28 on August 27 and I was thinking about him all day. This must have been the early 90s, posing for mom. He looks so proud!

A few weeks before I moved to Japan. Brother and sister hiking at Hungry Mother State Park in Virginia (do NOT call it West Virginia by accident!) Lane Puppy the excitable black lab stage right.

Ross's wedding- starring his beautiful wife, my sister-in-law Alicia, their fab friend Rick, my brother, and me. I adore this pic.

1995- As children I always did love Ross a little more than he loved me ;)

Ross's HS graduation, 2005. Wait, now he's taller than I am??!

Sunny and I were both tired from a long week but still managed to go to one of our fave Izakaya in Roppongi last Friday night. I got tired of nama and sake and went for vino.

The light from the sake/beer case makes it a pretty bad picture, but it's me all the same, on Friday night with Sunny and my red wine. Cheers!

Weather forecast on what was supposed to be a beach day and turned into a Shibakoen swim + Sunday dinner in day instead!

Saturday evening- me texting Avalon to see if I should wear this dress to our event. (I wore the dress, but did put on some shoes and take off the sports watch before leaving my apartment) And yes, I brought my 31-year old stuffed elephant with me to Japan. His name is Elephant.

A really hazy view of Tokyo Tower sporting its' purple motif. I sometimes wonder who chooses the evening's color scheme? Tonight we're back to classic orange and white.

My friend Alex texted me this cool pic of Mt Fuji from satellite view. Yeah, been there, done that- next please!

My friend Tom and I had a conversation yesterday about whether it's acceptable or not to use an iPad or similar device on the train or whether that's taboo in Japan. I get on the train for evening commute and lo! what do I see- this guy, with a windows device. ha!

Stay tuned for next week's post- likely to include a commentary on the dating scene in Japan (many people have asked) even though I'm not really sure I can fully comment after only 4 months. But it does make for interesting blogging if you're willing to take my perspective with a grain of salt! 

Weekly Post - Week 3

Behavior

I was about to start this post by commenting that this week was somewhat unremarkable, but maybe that's something in itself. Maybe I've finally been here just long enough that things I'd previously taken as novel, new, different, surprising, or moderately off-putting don't seem so anymore. The other day in the hallway I was passing a more senior male colleague and gave him a slight bow. Then I walked away thinking "what did I just do and WHY did I just do that? I'm almost ashamed of myself." Certain behaviors rub off on you whether you like it or not, especially when you're generally an adaptable person who tries for the most part to blend in.

Stage 1- you watch people behave a certain way and think "that's kind of weird, I'll never do that"

Stage 2- you begin exhibiting said behavior but recognize you're doing it and tell yourself to stop

Stage 3- you've adopted the behavior and don't realize you're doing it

I think with these kind of things it's easier to ride the wave than battle it head on, so I'm fine inadvertently bowing to people, ditching my jeans for dresses and carrying a handkerchief in the summer. However if I start loudly slurping noodles at my desk or claiming my beat up sandals are "indoor shoes" and therefore completely acceptable for the workplace, someone please call me out on it by throwing a glass of cold water on my head. Although it is entirely possible to respect and appreciate the culture you've chosen to be a part of, at the end of the day some aspects just aren't a good fit. :)

Banter

I've also noticed that because I have exactly 1 American friend and she doesn't live close, my English is starting to become peppered with useful vocabulary picked up from the Irish, Aussie, and British network. I'll report back if any of them become permanent fixtures.

Biking

The bike is the best thing ever. So far I've ridden it to the pool twice and to Laura's for dinner. 3 bike rides in one week? That's more than I've ever used a bike in my life! I can't believe how great it is- Laura's house was a mere 12 minute cycle from mine and otherwise I would have had to walk to the station, wait for the train (albeit waiting for a train in Japan consists of 5 minutes max unless it's super early or late), emerge from the station, wander around getting my bearings, etc. It is so much more efficient to ride, and with drivers being slow and safe here I can manage not feeling scared of the crazy driver factor I would have dealt with in SF. Now I really need to buy a helmet since I left mine in Redwood City, although I'll be the only one wearing one: for an uber health and safety conscious society, that mentality doesn't extend to wearing helmets or not smoking a pack a day. This is a culture of fascinating contradictions.

Brouhaha

On a completely different note, I also hosted a housewarming party this weekend and had a ton of fun. I learned that Japanese people will always show up with a gift when you host a party (so sweet! although I maybe could have done without that last bit of sake!), and that it truly is a very rewarding experience hosting a multicultural event. There were people who didn't catch all the English conversation, people who didn't catch all the Japanese conversation, and people who probably understood both quite well. I loved it! Can't wait to host another party :)

And last but not least, this week's pics:

Lest you wonder what I mean by "my office is so Japanese sometimes basic tasks are difficult" I give you exhibit A- my desk phone. Not only from 1975, but all Japanese too. I thought I was living in the future.....huh??

Exhibit B- my inbox. Yeah, can you tell who my emails are from? Right, neither can I. I don't have a pic of Exhibit C, which would be the printer, but stay tuned for a future post.

Housewarming party crew

Approaching the Azabujuban Festival in my neighborhood- does it look crowded? Hmm....

Street blocked off for the festival

Wall to wall bodies at this thing- Elisa and I decided to bail after ten minutes but had to fight our way out of the crowd! 

Braving the crowds

I love Japanese Lanterns!

In typical Japanese style, you can't just walk around, peeps, we have to have order here. Keep left to walk on one side or the other, enforced by this welcoming policeman

And I may call you Goldilocks

Weekly Post - Week 2

I promise to come up with more exciting titles in the not so distant future.

Exciting (or maybe not so exciting but more like noteworthy) things that happened this week:

1. I am the proud owner of a NEW BIKE! 

Well, a new used bike. I had considered getting a cheap bike for running errands, getting where I'm going above ground, and exploring the city, but hadn't taken any real action towards making it happen because as my SF friends know, I'm truly not a biker unless I'm out on a road ride for exercise. I never biked to get where I was going in college, post-college in Virginia, or in SF despite it's claim to be a bike-friendly city (I was always terrified of the traffic!) I hated the idea of arriving places already sweaty, and considered uber a perfectly good alternative to biking. So what changed? Well, I don't really know, but as I have said before and as you are now probably growing tired of hearing, a complete change of environment makes you think, feel, and act differently. I just felt like I needed a bike, and one kind of fell in my lap....

...Last night I was out to dinner with my friends Taeko and Laura, and happened to be perusing the Tokyo Expat Network facebook page (amazing resource if you are reading this from Tokyo, let me know if you want an invite) and noticed a post from a woman selling a good bike for the equivalent of about $65 USD. I casually mentioned it to Laura who was sitting next to me- being Irish and not one to mess around, she quickly grabbed my phone and wrote the seller an email before I could finish my current bite of pizza -yes, I was back at Strada Pizza, because where else would I go?!? ;) We arranged for the bike pick up today at 7pm and lo and behold, I have my first Tokyo standard ladies bike complete with front basket, back carrier, bell, and chain guard. All I need is a baby seat to complete the look and I'd blend in splendidly with the thousands of other Tokyo women toting things around effortlessly on a bike heavier than they are.

Stay tuned for a report in several weeks as to how much use the bike is getting, and what I've decided to name her. Yes, much to my mom's dismay, I'm 33 and never outgrew my pre-teen habit of naming and getting way too attached to inanimate objects.

I will post a pic of said bike next week, by the time I got home it was dark and my pics are really bad.

2. I haven't cried or even felt like crying for an entire week! 

Enough said. :)

3. I made a restaurant reservation in Japanese

Well, OK, I did most of it in Japanese and then when he started explaining that all the tables were booked but we could sit at the counter, blah blah, I understood the message but sadly had no immediate words to respond and de-volved to English. But only for that last part of the chat. I called a restaurant, greeted and asked for a reservation and gave the details in Japanese. I have to be happy about this...

...because my teacher Kyoko-san (have I mentioned what a GEM she is? I really love her) gave me a particle quiz on Wednesday and I think if it were graded I'd have earned somewhere between 60-70% of the points. Ugh. I felt like crying (ah crap, I guess I just negated point two above) - why is this language so hard? But anyway, it gave me a new resolve to study and I spent Thursday night geeking out at my kitchen table figuring out why I went wrong and really trying to understand things. I think (scratch that- I know) I'm being way too hard on myself with this language thing but I just can't get over how debilitated I feel not being able to speak or read, mostly at work. I very often receive emails in Japanese, even from native English speakers, because my company is so domestic that even the second language Japanese speakers have forgotten there may be someone on the email who can't read it and needs a one line English summary. I know people here who have lived in Japan a long time and don't care to learn the language because most places in Tokyo you can get by with English, but that's just not my style. I'm either 110% in or I'm 110% not in. And I'm in. Stay tuned for continuing adventures in Lisa vs Nihongo. I'm supposed to start reading a children's book this week- see pic below, no clue what it is but based on pics it may be about a monkey and a mitten???  God help me, I can only imagine what my fellow Namboku/Ginza line commuters will think of the gaijin girl who's taking 20 minutes to read a single page of simple hiragana about a monkey.

4. I learned it is life-changing to catch up with family and friends

This week I scheduled FaceTime with my brother and sister-in-law (at 9am on Saturday, which shows you how motivated I was!) and my close friend Jenny, who is 8.5 months pregnant- seeing her almost made me cry (Ok point 2 is really in the grave now!) because it was a reminder of what I will be missing, but nothing made me happier this week than seeing her face and my brother and sis-in-law. I also caught up with another good friend who has experience as an expat in Tokyo on Friday evening and it made my day. My point is at this stage I'm still very much attached to my friends back home and as I mentioned a few posts ago, don't you dare think my fab life in Tokyo has me forgetting about you- I wonder every day what you are up to and what you're doing right now. This morning while swimming at Shiba Koen outdoor pool in a 2-lane loop setup with a bunch of grandmas, I would have given my left eye to attend a single Stanford masters workout and could not get the image of that pool and my lanemates and friends out of my head. You may miss me, but I guarantee I miss you more! xx

And a few pics to round out this post....

I have never in my life experienced heat/humidity like they have in Japan- 11pm and it's still 91 degrees with 84% (eighty-four percent!!!) humidity. Shoot me. Maybe the reason I got a bike is because I'm already showing up to every place already sweaty, so what does it matter??

My teacher helpfully gave me a children's book to practice reading hiragana (I'm really slow and sound out words all the time like a kindergartner, Katakana is even worse). She instructed me to read a whole chapter for Monday. I negotiated her down to one page. Come on now! I can't even read the title!

Friday morning at my desk. Tully's coffee in hand. This is right before my Aussie friend Sorin came to visit my desk. Any interaction where I can speak native English is an automatic day-maker. My smile was wider after he left.

Shibuya crossing from inside a cab Saturday night 

Laura and I beating the heat at Shiba Koen swimming pool. I'm post 2k swim and getting yelled at for not keeping right (there were too many grannies on the right side, give me a break!!) We also got reprimanded for putting on SUNSCREEN! Sunscreen is apparently not allowed. We followed suit of the rest of the Japanese at that point and clandestinely put it on while the security/staff guys were not in sight. Japan is thus far the most orderly but illogical place I have ever or ever will live in my life (perspective at 3 months in...)

Next few pics are random shots of Ginza shopping district today

Ginza

Ginza

Super cool DeBeers building in Ginza